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some kind of grace

Instead of doing a whole long blog post to recap my year (which I usually do mostly for the sake of my own obsessive record keeping and reflection), I’m going to tell you how deeply and terribly depressed I was one year ago today, and how I made it from that moment to this one, from that December 31st to…

all we know is what would be our home

On the precipice of entering my twenties over ten years ago, I wrote in my journal: I am 20 years old in eight minutes, and I love everything. I’ve been trying to write something about turning 30 for weeks now but all that comes out is recitations. Recitations of my work history, my romantic history, the history of every album I’ve…

I Am Deliberate And Afraid Of Nothing

There’s something I really love about the last day of a year. It’s such an interesting moment where I feel I can look backward and forward in equal measure, remembering the year that passed, imagining the year to come. This year I am particularly grateful for this last day because I am beyond ready to say goodbye to 2017. Last…

Just, Like, All the 2016 Lists

Every week since mid-October, I read my horoscope from Chani Nicholas for three reasons: 1) She is a badass queer activist astrologer, so I know we see the world with the same eyes, 2) I’ve become fairly obsessed with astrology, crystals, sound baths, lunar cycles, anything that makes me feel more connected to the larger universe, to the ground below…

Contending with the Overwhlem

Ever since the election, when I talk to my friends, neighbors, colleagues, brother, mother, strangers, etc etc etc, I get such a severe sense of overwhelm. This is something I feel, too. There are too many vulnerable people and communities. Our grief is so heavy. Our shock reverberates again and again {though for some of us this is less about…

coping & coping & trying to cope

When I wake up every morning now and curl back into the darkness that laid me to rest the night before, it is so that I might return to the spaces inside me where I have been most hurt. Last Tuesday, when the world fell away from me, from us, I distinctly remembered collapsing into my mother’s arms at the…

Why I Am Not Choosing Empathy

Out in this desert, I am in Trump country. Joshua Tree itself is fairly liberal and even a bit diverse {we’ve got a very small but solid queer community, as far as I can tell}. But the two towns that flank us, Twentynine Palms and Yucca Valley, are littered with Trump/Pence signs. On election day, I went to run errands…

That’s Why We Came Here

I think often about that Jonathan Safran Foer quote: Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living. I, like most of my friends and loved ones, have a lot of projects and lives I want to pursue, but limited time in a day, and a need for a stable income to…

A Decade of September 12ths

A friend of mine made fun of me recently for making everything into an anniversary. I don’t think this is my fault. Facebook is always reminding me, On This Day. Instagram has created so many hashtag holidays I swear it is always National Something I Love Day {Dog, Donuts, Ice Cream, Best Friends, Siblings, &c &c &c}. I live in…